merrrr

All of these fucking posts are about you. You can't see them, so really, me writing these aimed at you is pointless, but I have to get it off of my chest somehow and I guess we'd both rather this than me saying all of this to you. Okay so here goes post number 94720357614719 about you. 


You got back last night. I told you how happy I was that you were home but you didn't have much enthusiasm towards me. You could have come out with us. Only for a while and you didn't have to spend any money or even be out late. But you were too lazy and tried to say your parents said no, which I know they wouldn't have because they let you do what you want. But, because I expected you to do that, so it didn't bother me too much. I made excuses for your lack of effort towards me last night. I thought to myself "oh, he's just tired, he'll be fine tomorrow." 


Today, I woke up pretty late, but I half expected to wake up to a message from you just saying "raaaaa xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx" like you always do. I woke up to nothing. Waited for a while, nothing. Signed in to Facebook, you were online but you signed out within 5 minutes of me being on it. Probably was nothing to do with me but it still kind of felt like it. Then 15 minutes later you popped up saying hello but then our conversation was pretty lifeless. Like we had nothing to say to each other, after more than a week without much contact.  That wasn't true though, I had loads to say to you but I felt like I should save it until I saw you, because I'd rather be able to ask you things like "how was your holiday?" in person, because silence over the internet isn't as bad as silence in person. That's stupid though; having to 'save' things that I want to say, just in case we can't hold a conversation. I can hold a conversation, but there's only so much that I can say before I get fed up of getting short answers that I can't build on, as if I'm talking to myself. 


If it were me that went on holiday, as soon as I came back I would have been desperate to see you, I would've missed you loads and wanted you as soon as possible. I guess as much as I say that I didn't expect you to be that eager, a little part of me hoped that you would be. I packed extra things in my handbag last night just in case I saw you and you wanted me to stay over. But - you don't seem to be that bothered about seeing me, or even speaking to me. I'm probably being ridiculous but it's just how I feel seeing as you've been away and you've come back and not even told me you've missed me or asked me to come over or about my week or anything. We had some problems before you left but we made them all better and were really close up until you got on the plane. I'm normally used to everything fucking up with guys after they've been away, I don't know why, but it's just how it's always happened. But I was confident that we'd be okay. You sent me a text every day and although towards the end of the holiday the texts became a lot shorter and less effort put in, I still appreciated it because it made me feel like you cared at least a bit. So, following that, I certainly didn't expect you to come home and us to fly back to square one. 


I'm probably over reacting, hence why I wrote this here, where no one will read it, but it's just things adding up and  making me feel like you're not bothered about me. I know I would be so different towards you, had it been the other way around. I'm going to wait until I see you to see how you act before saying or doing anything, but until then, I'm just going to take a leaf from your book and act exactly as you do. 


I'm gonna go into -i'm not really bothered' mode.