hi there depression ¬___¬

If you don't bother with me, I won't bother with you. I think this all the time and intend to go by it, but I never do. I forgive everyone, even the people who have put me in the worst places, and even when people don't bother with me, for example, my birthday, I got ONE card from a friend, I probably shouldn't bother with all those people I would have kind of expected to put even just a little effort into my birthday, yet I know that when it comes round to their birthday, I will go out of my way to do something nice for them. My best friend, she didn't get me anything, said 'happy birthday' once, cause she saw me in school and that was that. Then another one of my friend's birthdays comes up, and my best friend makes her an entire chocolate cake especially iced and everything. Mmh thanks for bothering. I know I shouldn't expect anything at all, and I suppose I didn't, but the fact that only one person, a person I'm not even that close with, got me a card, it would have been nice if my best friends bothered y'know? Ridiculous but it kinda makes me put my life into perspective. Like. in the group, I do feel like the invisible outsider that no-one bothers much with. I float around like I'm lost. One of my friends from my supposed 'group' joined a page on Facebook called 'you hang around with us, but none of us like you..' I know it's probably stupid, but I couldn't help but think it could potentially be about me.. because I couldn't think who else it would be.

You know the saying 'Never allow someone to be your priority, when you're just their option'? well that's what I do. I care about people so so much and try to be the best friend I can be to my friends, I put them first, my best ones in particular, yet nobody puts me first. I'm nobody's first choice. I'm not the person my friends are looking for, I'm not the one they wait for, I'm not the one who always gets invited out, but I'm always the one who gets forgotten. It's when I tell a friend to make sure everyone waits for me, 'cause I'll only be 5 minutes, then I find out nobody's waited, it's when I get one birthday card, it's when I stay in for a whole weekend and then find out all my friends went out and didn't invite me, it's all the time. All the time I feel like a nobody. Lonely.

It doesn't help with there being a million and one couples around lately. Everywhere I look there's people publicly showing off their love - not to be a love-scrooge, yeah you're happy but I don't wanna see it cause it's making me feel like shit. Although, I will smile at it. It especially bugs me watching a close friend of mine flirt, move closer with and lead on my ex-boyfriend, the only guy I've ever been sure about loving with all my heart, the one who meant the most, despite knowing all about me and him, and knowing herself from experience what I went through. We helped each other through it, I'd never go near her ex because I couldn't do that to her, I'm too much of a good friend, though it seems niceness gets you nowhere. It's not like that's going to be fixed any time soon though, because like I said, I'm invisible, and I don't appeal to anyone, I don't count. Infact that's a little bit of a lie, because earlier somebody asked me out for a drink sometime, but only because he's a little bit weird, so desperate that he posts Facebook status' about it and has it in his MSN name, he'd take anybody. But that's it. Brilliant.

I like this guy, and although occassionally it would seem he might like me, he always ends up mentioning how there's nobody for him, I've told him I like him twice now (and all he says is 'aww thank you'), yet he still persists on saying that nobody is ever interested in him - again, I don't count. Fml. I'm hoping that after exams I can meet up with him a bit more, and that maybe then, I might count... :/

Another thing eating me is GCSE's. So far I've done, Art, Drama, PSHE and a German Oral. They all went quite well, but they were my best subjects. The only ones I'm good at, I suck at everything else. So now for the next month, I'm dedicating my life to trying not to fail the remaining 12 exams, including English, Maths and Science, the most important subjects, and conveniently, I'm terrible at Maths and Sciences, and after my mock exam, apparently English as well. I've set myself target grades that I'd like to get, but I'm not even convinced I'll get them. So scared, so much pressure, so much stress to do well, fuck up this and I'm screwed. . So basically, I'm shitting a brick, so much that I constantly feel tired, ill, dead, just d r a i n e d of life...