well damn.

I went to see Eclipse today, and throughout the film I was thinking 'Bella, you're such a whore' ~ because all she's doing throughout is going to Edward, saying she loves him, going to Jacob, acting all like she loves him too, seemingly trying to decide who is better for her. I was like 'margh you slag, I could've had one of them'. One of them was more convenient for her, and the other was the one she loved the most.

Basically the point in that was that I was thinking she was bad for wanting two guys and sort of stringing them both along, when I realised, I've done that before. People got involved with it, though, which screwed everything up.

Started out, I got talking to Terry and I began to like him, then after a while of this, Betty decided to get involved and add Terry on Facebook and tell him that I liked him. I was like ¬_¬ for fuck sake, thinking everything was screwed up, because I already had a little plan of how I was going to do things. But then, it turned out that Terry did actually like me and there was a good chance of us getting together. SO, I was really happy and me and him spoke every day for a few months.

During those months, I ended up getting closer to Jim and Barry, because they had a lot of spare time, and I was off school because I'd finished my GCSEs. I never saw Terry because he was so busy, but I saw Jim and Barry A LOT. Jim began to like me and Terry was uncomfortable with the amount of time I was spending with Jim.

Then after a while it sort of came to a time when I felt a had to choose between them, I felt I'd walked into a door where I couldn't go any further stringing them both along. So, I tried to see which one would be better for me. I wanted Terry so much more than I wanted Jim, I knew I felt a lot more strongly for him. But Jim was so much more convenient for me, and I did like him too, quite a bit, just not as much as Terry. I didn't feel the same butterflies talking to Jim as I did with Terry. But Jim was sweet, lived near, could come out whenever I wanted him too, liked me an awful lot, was willing to do anything for me, even wait for me if I were to get with Terry. Whereas, Terry lived further away, and could never come out, so I hadn't had the chance to see what he was like properly, and it seemed we would never get to the stage of actually being together because we hadn't spent enough time together.

Betty got involved even more and both her and Jim ended up telling me that Terry didn't like me, liked some other girl, and I should just not bother with him because he didn't bother with me. Seeing as Terry hadn't put any effort in with me lately, and Jim sent me a pasted part of his conversation on MSN with Terry saying he didn't know about us because we apparently didn't talk much any more, and conversations between us weren't as good. So I thought 'Oh okay then, fuck it, I'll be his friend, and I might aswell give Jim a chance.' thinking things between us were a complete fail, so I went for Jim.

Ended up 'seeing' Jim, after we kissed once, and well, he scared the shit out of me. We weren't even going out, and he was telling me how he wanted to be with me forever - grow old with me and stuff. So again, Betty got involved and told him to back off a little and it seemed like it would all be fine.

Sunday, I went to Jim's BBQ. Terry, Jim, Betty and Barry were all there. Terry found it hard to talk to me. Betty was flirting with Terry, which pissed me off, especially as I didn't even want Betty there that day. Jim was drunk as fuck and making a complete dick of himself, also, wouldn't leave me alone; and Barry was just being brilliant. I tried to keep my distance from Jim, though I wanted to be near Terry, and I didn't want him to see me with Jim because for some reason I felt that it would mess things up, even thought I already felt like they were messed up.

At the end of the night, Jim walked me home, and I had a go at him for how much of a twat he made himself look. Then we got talking about life and I tried to tell him what I thought he should do to make it better. He said he was putting me first and I told him not to. Then he asked me out and I said 'Um okay', then tried to explain to him how I do things and see things within relationships so that he could be on my level.

I thought it worked, but it didn't.

So now, I've been with Jim for about 5 days, which feels like forever, and I've recently found out that Terry really did like me, didn't like some other girl, and felt that Jim had replaced him and any chances between me and Terry were now ruined. Apparently Jim KNEW that me and Terry liked each other a lot, and knew that if he pressured Terry, Terry wouldn't do anything about liking me, which then meant he could swoop in. So after hearing that this is what Terry thought of the situation, I felt pretty damn stupid. Turns out, now, Terry does actually like that girl. But I wish he didn't. Even though it would of been tough to make it work ~ because of him never being able to come out ~ he was the one I wanted to be with so I'm still like :/

I don't know what to do.

updated ~ Sunday 18th July

Okay, so I fucking HATE Betty. She can go and jump off of a fucking cliff. She lied to me, and

led me into believing that Terry was a waste of time, and pushed me into being with Jim, and now she's all like TERRY ♥

I'm done with her. She can go and die in a fire.

I want Terry, and I've been told he'd still have me even after me being with Jim. But he doesn't know.

Yesterday, I spent the whole day with Jim and it was lovely. We went ice skating and then to his dad's house for lunch, then back to mine before Barry's birthday meal. After a lovely morning, me and Jim were at my house and things got a little heated and we ended up like. yeah. It was the best I've ever had. Then we went to the meal and we ended up having to sit on a table by ourselves because there wasn't enough room, but it was still really lovely. We all went down to the park afterwards and then me and Jim got the bus back to my house and waited for his dad to pick him up. The whole day was really lovely and I thought I was happy with where I was.

Then today, I went to visit Barry. Whilst at Barry's, I met one of Barry's friends. Barry explained to his friend the whole situation between me, Jim and Terry, and explained things that I hadn't heard before. Terry really really liked me, and kept trying to plan things to see me, but Jim kept getting in the way. Jim was being a bit of a manipulative cunt. And me and Barry worked out that basically Betty was just being a bitch.

So now, Jim's lovely to me, but I feel like I got tricked into going out with him, and I feel really stuck, like I can't do anything about it now because he's so "in love" with me (he isn't, it's been a week for fuck sake). I'm so angry at Betty for fucking me over AGAIN, lying to me, and now being all like TERRY ♥ after everything. I feel kinda gutted because if Betty and Jim hadn't lied or tried to put me off of Terry, and if no one got involved, me and Terry would've ended up together which is what we wanted in the very beginning anyway.

STILL don't know what to do. I feel quite stuck really.

Though I am quite happy because what happened with my ex boyfriend last weekend, the one I really loved, my only weakness, WELL, that hasn't crossed my mind or got in the way.

Margh. I feel stupid.